Who is that mum in the mirror? Womanhood to Motherhood
7 min read
As we come to the end of this Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m pleased to introduce Samantha Dholakia’s new blog piece. This one is about a very interesting topic that touches every one of us as soon as we become mothers for the first time: identity. Scroll down to read Sam’s Top Tips for mummy mental health and new identity.
It is safe to say that nothing is ever the same when you become a mum – mind, body and soul! So, it's easy to feel like you have lost your identity…
Samantha Dholakia, life coach and mum to a beautiful boy.
The GOOD wife, the GOOD mother, the GOOD daughter, the GOOD sister, the GOOD worker…. When did GOOD become so off-putting, when did GOOD become not GOOD enough and what does this do to our mental health as mothers?
It is safe to say that nothing is ever the same when you become a mum – mind, body and soul! So, it's easy to feel like you have lost your identity, after all, motherhood is a busy, never-ending list of demands including everything from sleepless nights, nappy changes and cooking, to carpooling, homework-helping, and errand-running.
Even from those early stages of pregnancy, our identity is starting to evolve. The feelings of vulnerability met with a newfound fierceness and protectiveness, the endless worries of ‘normality’ and the second-guessing of movements or lack of alongside that growing bump - and this is just the beginning.
New inside and out
As new mums, there are many shifts in our identity, and possibly the most prominent in those initial months is that of the physical changes we experience. From pre-pregnancy to pregnancy to postpartum differences…..all of which have a huge impact on our mind management and mental health. How we see our bodies affects how we feel and how we perceive ourselves and our place in the world around us.
Foto credit: IG @daniellebiancabenn Our new physical shape can certainly take some getting used to, invoking thoughts such as ‘my breasts no longer feel like my own’ and ‘my body feels more like a machine’. What impacts this even further are the societal pressures such as feeling pressured to hide away when breastfeeding, and if you choose not to breastfeed, society has its views on this too! So, where does this leave us as mums being GOOD mums and GOOD citizens, abiding by society's very grey and blurry lines..? I believe the answer is potentially feeling isolated, unsure, confused and often anxious!
Mum’otions and energy levels, are we holding onto them too much?
Our emotional identity can pivot massively when becoming mums. Amongst the sea of mum’otions there is one life raft that many of us mums cling to dearly… and that is GUILT. Oh yes, there is no mummy emotion like it! This is every mum’s superpower and actually, one of the biggest things we can do as mums for our mental health and well-being is to acknowledge it – let it be there and then let it pass.
I know, MUCH easier said than done! But this is something that not only will support our good mental health, but also the mental health of our family.
Planning even 10 minutes a day for deep breathing, mediation, yoga/stretching or exercise can allow these thoughts to be calmed and for you to recharge.
As new mums, we are truly blessed with a new emotional experience. So many mums I have spoken to have talked about this emotional connection they feel.
No, I am not talking about that huge gush of love we are told will happen when our bundle arrives…. leaving us with more guilt if this gush, in reality, feels more like a wave of anxiety, exhaustion and pure disconnection from the whole world itself. I am talking about the connection to feelings themselves. The feelings that we may have when it comes to nurturing those around us, connecting to characters in books or films – or even the donkeys in the adverts… yes I get quite emotional for those donkeys! This emotional awareness is heightened, and it is all due to the many thoughts we have, both consciously and subconsciously, as before we have even had that first thought of the day we have had a great many others.
Whether it is questioning personal judgement, overthinking situations, thinking about where best to source quality, safe toys and resources to set up activities or clothes to ensure they are warm but not too warm and cool but not too cold…. And we are back to overthinking! Or worst still the fear - fear of missing out on the things you did before, such as reading books, watching TV shows you enjoyed, getting dressed up, having that chin wag with friends – without the out of body experience of watching the children like a hawk due to the constant fear that they may hurt themselves, eat something terrible or…. Mother of all fears are taken by someone.
ENDLESS, EXHAUSTING and TERRIFYING all at the same time.
These thoughts clog up our minds causing us to feel overwhelmed, anxious and lacking in confidence. Taking a moment to yourself can feel impossible, but to fill up the cups around us, you must fill yourself first!
So, in true mama style grab a cold tea or coffee, a pen or your phone and get planning. Planning even 10 minutes a day for deep breathing, mediation, yoga/stretching or exercise can allow these thoughts to be calmed and for you to recharge. It not only supports you at that moment but in the days to come as you become more effective and focused – it’s worth giving it a try!
To work or not to work… this is the question!
Ever had that feeling that you are ‘just mum’? Well, you are not alone!
Whether we head back out into the workplace, which let’s face it can make you feel like a triangle squeezing through the hole meant for a square, or choose to stay at home where there are no set working hours and HR doesn’t exist… there is another huge shift in our identity to experience.
Feeling you cannot compete at work with the younger, baby-free women (and men) can be daunting. Plus, the recent pandemic removing any potential gradual reintegration into some sort of ‘normal work routine’, it’s preventing and delaying so many mums from being able to know ‘how’ to be a mum and a working person.
It is so important to consider the pressures you apply to yourself, as this new sense of self when returning to work can not only be confusing but also very overwhelming, with plenty of overthinking and self-judging opportunities.
Combating the inner voices that tell us we should or shouldn’t be going back to work, along with the endless societal pressures of what motherhood should look like, can feel like we are never getting it right. THAT IS BECAUSE WE AREN’T! There is no right, so striving for it is not only an impossible task but one that affects us to our very core. Managing your mind from societal expectations is key to sustaining good mental health as a mum.
What expectations do you have for yourself as a mum and are they realistic?
If it is one thing mums become very good at, it is problem-solving. So, if your expectations are not serving you, take a moment to readjust them and practice these new expectations.
It is not enough to have no time for hobbies, a house that looks like a toy shop and a body that doesn't feel like your own to contend with … we also have the inner critic! Don’t welcome them in and make them comfortable, they are not your friend. Catch those thoughts and correct them consciously and quickly before they settle in, you have control of your mind… It just doesn’t necessarily know it yet! The best news is that identity is endlessly fluid and we get to define who we want to be whenever we choose to.
With all these in mind, I would like to share a few tips to deal with these changes and to support you as you develop this new identity.
Top Tips for mummy mental health and new identity
Do something that makes you feel strong or grounded.
Check-in with someone who knows you and have a chat – you need a break!
Reach out to those around you for support when you need it, you are not alone, and they were not lying when they said it takes a village!
Read the 5 Habits of Happiness in Motherhood series. By Samantha Dholakia
