10 ways to be kind to yourself mama
Between everything that’s been going on in the world right now, we’ve been hearing a lot about racism, hate and differences among people. It’s clear to me that we live in a world that is in need of more kindness and compassion.
Being kind to others has lots of benefits and will help you build more empathy. You don’t need to agree with someone to empathise with them. Empathy is to see the world as someone else does, to understand his or her feelings, needs and concerns.
Before we can be kind and considerate to others, we first need to learn to be kind to ourselves. We can’t give love and kindness from an empty well.
As mums, we can be very judgemental and hard on ourselves, and when we don’t live up to our own expectations, we may face feelings of shame, inadequacy, and have persistent negative thoughts like not being good enough mothers.
Here there are 10 ways for mums to be kinder to themselves.
Accept where you are right now, in your life, in your motherhood journey, in your career and in the present moment. Whether you just had your baby, or are 6 months in, the transition into motherhood is hard and is a different journey for everyone. It will have ups and downs, but trust that things WILL get easier. If I’ve learnt anything during the last 3 years is that motherhood is ever changing, challenges will change as your baby gets older. If your baby is feeding non-stop and won’t leave you time to do any housework, that’s okay, it won’t last forever. Try not to linger on things that have already happened and don’t worry too much about the future, focus on the here and now.
Know that you are good enough. Your baby doesn’t need a perfect mum, he needs a good enough mum. We are our our own worst critic, cut yourself some slack and shut down that inner critic. You are doing your best and you are doing enough mama!
Make peace with your body. It might not be what it used to be. But hey! it grew and birth your baby! That’s a big achievement. Be kind to yourself and respect, love and acknowledge your body for what you’ve achieved with it. Your body has been with you your whole life and will forever be with you, so try to build a respectful relationship with it.
Focus on the good things. Think about those things where you are killing it! Don’t worry if you can’t think of something right now, we all tend to remember negative experiences more than we do positive ones, but we ALL have something to be proud of. Have a think, write down a few good experiences and soon you will find something that makes you proud. Allow yourself to examine how being proud feels in your body and savour that for a few minutes.
Talk to yourself as if you were your best friend. Imagine you were your best friend when you are feeling guilty or bad about something. What would you say to her to make her feel better when she says she’s not good enough or thinks that she screwed up? Surely, you’d be understanding and tell her some compassionate words.
Turn off your phone. Stop comparing yourself with those ‘perfect Instagram mums’ who have lost the baby weight after 8 weeks, or whose babies are sleeping through the night at 6 weeks or who have a sparkling kitchens whilst doing baby-led-weaning. The truth is there are no perfect mums and what we see in social media is only a very curated part of life. We all have our problems and we all make mistakes. You are doing great by ‘mum-ing’ in your own way!
Do what makes you feel good. It could be a bath, reading a book that’s not about babies and parenting, listening to music or a podcast, writing, going for a walk in nature. Do your make up or your hair, even if it’s only for you and your baby to see. Doing what you like will not only make you feel good but will also help you shift your attention away from your troubles.
Forgive yourself. If there’s another thing I’ve learnt these last 3 years is that mum-guilt is a bi@#$! And we all feel it at some point. It’s crazy how many things can make us feel guilty - decisions we take, mistakes we make, we even feel guilty for our own feelings towards our babies and towards being mothers. The truth is that mum-guilt shouldn’t have a place in motherhood. We are all human and we all make mistakes.
Meet old or new friends. Sharing, talking and laughing with others can have a healing power. Mum-friends can be great as they will relate with what you are living with your baby or toddler. If you have an antenatal group, you can organise to go for a walk while babies sleep in the pram or enjoy some cake and tea together. In normal circumstances, I would tell you to go for a girls night out but nowadays you could have a ‘zoom party’ with your friends. Sometimes all you need is to meet with friends to get some perspective and disconnect.
Practice Loving-Kindness meditation. This is a mindfulness meditation that has many benefits such as building your empathy and compassion as well as helping you recognise that we are all human, we all struggle and we are all in this together. There’s no wrong way to practice this meditation - just focus for a few minutes wishing kindness to yourself, to a friend, a stranger, to someone you find difficult and finally, to your broader community and all living creatures. You don’t have to feel loving while practicing this meditation, just take notice of your feelings and don’t try to change them or judge them as good or bad, they are YOUR feelings - be kind to them and to yourself.