Transforming the Mother’s Mental Load

by Emily Wenman
5 min read

What is that you say…a new concept? The Family Mental Load?

Transforming

the Mother’s

Mental Load

Last week, I actually lost my sh***.

Sorry to be graphic but I was carrying so much in my head that eventually, my stomach gave out. Everything I ate went straight through me, I was nauseous and exhausted, freezing cold and dizzy. Nothing particular had happened, no life event, no family drama- my brain just wore me out. We know that the gut-brain connection is extremely powerful and sensitive. I am already an anxious person who feels much through ‘tummy instinct’ (think gut-wrenching spasms and butterflies every time I can’t find a bank statement or the like).

My body often sends me signals about what I am feeling if I am clearly ignoring the feelings themselves! This time it was a feeling of overwhelming panic which I tried to placate by continuing to organise everything on my own, in my head. Of course, this did not work and I got stuck in a loop of mental lists. Eventually, my tummy just said ‘no thanks’ to everything I put in it, instead of me saying ‘no thanks’ to the endless lists of the mental load.

The mental load, as Kelly Gonsalves, sex and relationships editor at mindbodygreen explains in this article, “ is basically all the invisible work involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders... The mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It's being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members, and making sure they actually get done.”

Paula Kuka illustration

As I lay nauseated and exhausted wishing I could stop time so I didn’t have to move my depleted body and collect my son from school, I thought ‘I am not doing this again’. Resentment, frustration (clearly no actual work got done this week either) and self-pity surged through me as I tried to picture my exhausted brain, it felt like it was spinning in my skull without any anchor or signs of slowing. I like to think in cartoons sometimes, it makes heavy feelings seem lighter to deal with (pushing me towards ‘laughing instead of crying’!) and will occasionally help me find a solution to the problem I am stuck on. Eventually, I decided that what I was feeling was akin to:

My Brain on a Treadmill: ‘a big red button stuck inwards at the fastest level, my brain sprinting on skinny legs, affecting an energised and ‘in control’ air, whilst exhausted, and literally getting nowhere. My brain finally decides to get off (without my permission) and gets sucked under the rotating rubber belt, my brain goes round and round in a blur for a few seconds until finally whizzing off into the distance. Cue: A few seconds later the red button pings out easily.’

I felt deflated, squashed, bruised and exhausted. I decided then and there that I was not getting back on that treadmill until I had a safety net in place. 

How did I let myself get into this condition? My body really was fed up with the way I was treating it. I thought, how do I do this differently then?

Being me, I ordered new stationery and wrote out 2 different timetables and a shopping list and stuck them on the fridge. Haha, life-changing! No, seriously, this little step lifted my spirits immensely. As we know the fridge represents a space of equality and neutrality, doesn’t it?  I am not sure why but it feels like that in my house (although I am the one to fill it, clean it, cook from it, and decorate it with children’s drawings). These were now shared property and not just things on ‘my list’. I could now refer to the fridge. I had put the ‘mother’s mental load’ back on the table as the ‘family mental load’.

In fact, a day later my partner came in and commented on how little my son wanted to read and how poor his concentration was. This had been a worry for me too. I agreed that I had noticed the same, and said I had put a timetable on the fridge of short tasks that my son should do with one of us every day.

Taking control, being objective (and not bossy), leaving the task unallocated and up for grabs made it seem like these were ‘family’ tasks not ‘mother’ tasks. There are definitely more direct ways of communicating to your partner that you are overwhelmed but if you cannot identify or verbalise how you are feeling, put it on the fridge!

Now, this is not going to change the world overnight ladies, but if we all start putting the mother’s mental load back into our shared spaces such as the fridge or the like (or shared apps for the tech-minded), we are saying ‘I have had enough, this is not all mine, I need help’. It is a slow yet purposeful march towards sharing the mental load of parenting more equally.

Single parents, you need to put your mental load on the fridge (in whatever format works for you) so others (friends, family, your children, an ex) can see all you do.

This may seem strange but this bold communication brings a certain validation to the weight and importance of what is usually invisible to others. This allows your brain to feel lighter and therefore open to holding other more important and enjoyable thoughts and feelings. Start to recruit family and friends into your ‘Family’s Mental Load’ and let them know what is too heavy for you to carry alone and what they can do to help. 

Your Mission: Turning your ‘Mother’s Mental Load’ into your ‘Family’s Mental Load’ - one list and timetable at a time. 

Take a minute to ask yourself, what does your brain look like during a heavy ‘mental load day’?

What is going to happen if your body forces you off the treadmill?

What does your safety net look like?

Which parts of the mental load are too big to carry alone?

Which items are going on in your fridge?